“It’s like you’ve got no shut off switch”, my friend remarked.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, even in your down time, you are active. Like on my days off, I do absolutely nothing. But you go for a hike, or dig up the garden, or make sauerkraut”.
It was all true, and this was the first time in my life I’d reflected on my relationship to rest.
I didn't really like it and squirmed a bit. Like many addicts, I was in complete denial about my work habit.
This conversation took place almost 20 years ago, yet it took another 14 years to all come to head with my spectacular burnout from teaching.
Why didn’t I change my behaviour back then, when my well meaning friend gave me a truth bomb?
Ever heard of the stages of change model?
It describes the 5 or 6 key stages that humans typically go through to enact change. These include precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance and relapse.
At that point in time I was probably in the precontemplation stage, where I didn’t even realise there was a problem.
Fast forward a couple of years to university, and I now knew I had a definite problem with overworking.
I’d stay up super late due to perfectionism, and work through my weekends to chase A’s.
I’d collapse and cry after exams, completely exhausted from striving to be my best.
I remember one particularly caring pouako (lecturer) telling me I had to sort out that 'taniwha' on my back, and I knew exactly what he meant.
Yup, there is a definite relationship between overachievers and anxiety/chronic stress/burnout.
I reckon the only thing saving me from complete nervous system collapse was the long summer holidays.
In the contemplation stage, while I knew there was a problem, I had no idea how to solve it, and I wasn’t yet ready to give up my identity as an overachiever.
If I were a model human being, I’d gradually progress through the next 3 stages of preparation, action, and maintenance, and kick my workaholism to the kerb.
But you know what?
Surprise, surprise. One model doesn’t fit all.
And it doesn’t take into account factors such as environment, culture, socioeconomic status, and that we all have our own decision making processes.
Me? I reckon I completely skipped the preparation stage, did not pass go, and went straight to action.
Now I not only knew that I had a problem with overworking, but I knew that I urgently needed to prioritise rest and that I needed to intentionally build this into my life.
But it wasn’t like I woke up one day with an epiphany, or a “that would be nice to have” whakaaro (idea).
It was more like I’d had a train crash (burnout), and every part of my life was smashed to pieces, rendering change necessary.
Now.
So you know what I did?
Being the overachiever that I am, I did something quite drastic.
Instead of just going relieving or working less hours while I figured it out, I quit my teaching job and became a full-time student of relaxation (massage).
I was going to conquer burnout by being the best student of relaxation that I could!
It makes me laugh to recognise my own ego.
But what does Eckhart Tolle say?
“Awareness is the greatest agent of change”.
The past 6 years have been about overcoming my workaholism with its roots in perfectionism. Ultimately, perfectionism originates from not feeling ‘good enough’.
These days I guess you could say I'm in the maintenance stage.
I’ve been healing my addictive tendencies towards work with regular meditation, which allows me to simply notice the non-stop busyness in my brain, without reacting to it.
And to notice when I’m heading back down burnout lane again.
Because the stages of change are not linear. And relapse is a thing.
Since majorly burning out from teaching in 2017, I've gone through two mini-burnouts, each time catching myself before I went past the point of no return.
Meditating helps me to recognise the feeling of apathy and resentment that starts to creep in.
It helps me to notice that stretched thin feeling, like I don't have enough time for myself.
And that I'm just plain tired all the time.
When I’m able to create deliberate pauses in my day, then I am able to make choices about what I really need in each moment.
And with that self-awareness comes self-compassion.
When we stop and look at our own behaviour, we sometimes see that we treat ourselves far worse than we do the ones we love.
Rest is about self-love.
It’s about acknowledging that you have done enough. That you are enough. Just as you are, and just as you are not.
How can you implement some well-deserved rest into your life today?
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