“Close your ribs sweetheart, your arms are wide open” my 20 year old yoga instructor/model scolded me loudly so the whole class could hear.
Right then and there, I felt small and incompetent. I sat there burning inside for a full 5 minutes, planning whether I was going to say something after the class, give her a 1 star review, or just not go back.
The class carried on and I carried on. And while I wasn’t focussed on my body alignment at all, it gave me time to defuse and have a little moment of self-awareness.
Reflection, as opposed to reaction, is a wonderful thing.
Stepping back from the situation, I thought about many things that were happening internally and externally.
External factor #1: My gorgeous yoga instructor who is half my age is from a different generation to me, clearly a more confident one, which was evident in how she authoritatively addressed the members of our class.
External factor #2: She seemed to be talking the whole way through the class, indicating either a lack of experience, or false bravado, or both.
Internal factor #1: I have always been very sensitive to criticism, especially public criticism, so it wouldn’t have mattered what she said, I felt about 5 years old at that moment.
Internal factor #2: I’d already been silently judging her the whole class, including her mean gym instructor approach of sadistically counting down and making us hold longer than needed. So I was already anticipating criticism.
Internal factor #3: I am more critical of my own age and condition when I am around young, gorgeous yoginis, so hating on her was just projected self-loathing.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no Zen Bhuddist master. I have knee jerk reactions like the rest of us. I stayed because I wasn’t prepared to shamefully exit the class.
But pausing long enough to sit in my discomfort highlighted my automatic, mechanical reactions to not only the 20 year old yoga teacher, but to all sorts of things all around me, all day, every day.
I got to see where I give away my ‘hoots’ (I’m trying to swear less) ALL THE TIME.
And I don’t have lots of hoots to give! I need to save my hoots for things that really matter.
Opportunity for growth:
I have an invitation for you, take it or leave it. Next time you are ticked off, you could see it as an opportunity for some self-discovery.
Instead of going into a blind rage and taking the same automatic reaction you would normally take, get really interested in your own emotional response:
Ask yourself these reflective questions:
How do I feel?
Can I name this emotion?
What triggered this feeling?
Is this a familiar feeling?
When did I last feel like this?
When is the earliest time I remember feeling like this?
You may not achieve self-enlightenment right then and there, but you may come a little closer to knowing your triggers, and recognising where and when you willingly give away your hoots.
In doing so, you will have an increased supply of vital energy from which to make a difference in your corner of the world.
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